put a bandaid on it

i don't know how much more battering and bruising my heart can take. it's continuously bleeding and i haven't been able to stop the flow.

Love Love Love

I realized that there's a different attitude towards love here in Europe. I can't quite put my finger on it but the concept of love, showing love, being in love is different than what I've seen and experienced back home.

No judgment here - I was just struck for a moment at how a similar concept has different connotations in different parts of the world. That should have been obvious from the very beginning but, well, I was slow to catch on. It's only logical when the way we say 'I love you' in our different languages carry different meanings and overtones.

How very fascinating.

blogging about blogging

i constantly ask myself why i keep a blog when i'm inconsistent on updating it. or the reason behind keeping a blog in the first place. i rarely read through my past entries - and really, when i look back at them i'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel or react. no one really reads what i write - which is funnily enough, fine by me - though in truth, i edit out a lot of what i would really like to say anyways. i have no idea how my words or thoughts are being stringed together at the moment - just writing things as they appear in my head and therefore this would account for the lack of cohesiveness of my sentences.

i want to talk to someone about everything. EVERYTHING that's on my mind. i have yet to find that person. i would like to say i want to talk to God, but really, i want someone to talk back to me - to reassure/reprimand/just speak to or react to whatever it is i'm saying to them. i thought i had found that person in several versions of people i had met through my life and i constantly have some guard kept up on everyone. there's no one who is privy to all my private thoughts and emotions. it's not that i don't want to - it's that i don't know how to.

blogs aren't good spaces to talk/write about everything you feel. for one thing - most of the time it's like talking to yourself. and then you make your self-directed insanity public. which is worse - though really, i would like to say 'screw 'em, i don't care what people think!' in reality, everyone at some level cares what people think. or not more people would be dead. more people would be dead of a broken heart. more people would be crazy.

i think i'm going crazy. i think i had always been slightly off-kilter from the very beginning - but i think my equilibrium had just done a sudden tilt that's made everything go completely unbalanced. gravity and sense had been slid of the table and there's a mess on the floor. i don't know where to begin to clean up the mess.

you'd think that getting your dreams would be more ... dreamy. dreamlike. happy. poofy. something less helter-kelter crazy. something more dancing through fields of marigold crazy, rather. unfortunately, i forgot dreams that go on forever cease to be dreams and could wind up as nightmares - or just a person who's gone mental and had started to live in an unreal world.

i want to talk to someone. i want to have a ... *probable blasphemous idea coming up* ... a God in human form - not a Deity really, but a deity-like human who would just Understand.

i wonder if i'll get into trouble for this post. ah hell. i'm already in shitloads of trouble anyways. why not bury myself in some more shit. make a proper job of it.

it happens sometimes

i can walk for several hours without missing a beat
and then when i meet the person i'm supposed to meet
i stumble and fall flat on my feet

i could be silent for ages and have nothing to contribute whatsoever
and then when i'm supposed to keep my lips together
i spill words that shouldn't be spoken, ever

i would keep money with a tightly closed fist for months at a time
and then a sudden impulse breaks through this guard of mine
i burn through my wallet to buy you something fine

darn it but these things keep on happening regularly
it's like i can't keep myself from acting foolishly
but that's what it is and it's all that will ever be

i don't really mind - if you don't really mind the love-struck me.

All I Want for Christmas

I don't celebrate Christmas. But hey, I'm making a list anyways. :)

1. My Family - I'd like to roll around on my lumpy, scratched up, sorry-excuse-for a sofa, nudging my not-so-little brothers out of the way and poking at my sister while my mum tells us to stop quarreling and my dad's just shaking his head in the corner.





























2. Roll around with Jessie cat - Of course, this pretty much involves the whole family's cooperation. Get Jessie, *gomol gomol* and she'll act like she hates it and tries to run away but ends up sitting about an arm's reach away.



3. My friends from Uni - Whether hanging around in a mamak, a fancy restaurant that someone had Googled or just in anyone's rooms : Just chatting about everything and nothing (sex, food, boys, stupid boys, lack of sex, funny stories about random people, sales, the meaning of life...) and then ending up cuddling up and having a big slumber party. That would be amazing. Sighs.


4. My clothes - It's incredibly girly and unnecessary of me but hey, it's my list and I want my clothes. I happen to like my collection of clothes coz I only buy things when a. I have money and b. I really really like it. I really hope my dad will be able to send me the stuff. Sighs.


5. Love and To Be Loved - ... that is the greatest thing you'll ever learn, isn't it?


... If could have any one of the things on my list, it'll be the best Christmas ever.

here it goes again

Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
Oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
But here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again. (OK Go! Here We Go Again)

This song in the UK Surfer Remix version is really fitting to my mood at the moment. Guilt, regret, and really not caring about guilts and regrets. Just going with the flow and doing what can be done at the moment.

stupid is as stupid does

the title quote comes from the amazing movie "forrest gump" - one of the most influential movies of my life (yeah, that does sound a bit dramatic but what the hell). it seems apt in my present mood and state of mind as i seem to have a knack at the 'stupid does' part and therefore that would mean that i am "stupid is". ~_~

however - since i had spent most of my life trying very very hard to not be stupid and to always act rationally and to do what is expected of me, breaking out of that mold and doing whatever the hell i please feels really good (and really bad too, but let's not get into it right here). i don't have an excuse for acting in a stupid (idiotic) manner as i am in perfect sync with my senses and i don't take anything that would alter my state of mind - therefore i know i am perfectly responsible for all my actions.

still - there are pros and cons to doing as you please and to just 'be' - yes, you experience more things but the inherent guilt that comes with it is just a lot to handle. i seem to be a masochist for guilt trips and being a 'stupid is' is a sure fire way to go through that lane.

not sure how to proceed along this precarious path. i know what would be the sensible, smart thing to do but i've travelled down that road too many times to know how predictable and boring it could be. on the other hand, the road less travelled would call for some adventure - though i would probably come out of it with scrapes and bruises - definitely not entirely unscathed.

... sighs.

stupid is as stupid does.